The RK Quiz Show Fiasco
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Strapped for cash, RK convinces Wade to participate in a local game show for the prize of ten thousand dollars. However, when Wade comes down with the flu, he and RK scheme to have RK replace him while still being able to win the money.
1. The RK Quiz Show Fiasco Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 12

Airdate: January 14, 2018

"The RK Quiz Show Fiasco"

 _#TYH611_

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The boys are watching TV one night._

SPARKY: So are we hitting Ike's tomorrow?

WADE: Sounds like a plan.

RK: Yeah, I don't see that happening. Honestly, we eat too much ice cream. Did you know that ice cream is actually the number two cause of diabetes?

BUSTER: What's the number one cause?

RK: What do I look like, WebMD?

SPARKY: You seem to be acting like it.

WADE: RK, what's going on with you?

RK: Nothing. I just think we need to start being more health-conscious.

SPARKY: You ate two whole bags of gummy bears at lunch today. You're not fooling anyone.

RK: Alright, fine. I'm poor, okay? I'm living close to the edge, I have nothing!

BUSTER: You have no money? I thought the government was supposed to break you off some stacks. Don't tell me you be acting reckless with your paper.

 _Sparky, RK, and Wade look at Buster with bewilderment._

BUSTER: Hey, I know street talk.

RK: I have been reckless with my money this month. I actually spent my earnings on a rare autographed poster of the cast of _Unfabulous_.

WADE: Why would you even want that? You hated _Unfabulous_.

RK: Sure, hearing Emma Roberts sing made me want to strangle myself, but I found out that the poster was worth a lot since the show never had that much merchandise. Then I found out that it was fake.

SPARKY: Did you try returning it?

RK: Yeah. Only to get told by the seller that he scammed me and he's been at this since before I was a twinkle in my dad's bean bags so I should leave.

BUSTER: So you really have no money?

RK: Nope. I'm living that broke life now. I even did a whole montage in my room about it.

 _("Rock Bottom" by Eminem plays in the background)_

 _Cut to RK walking around his room and being depressed as the montage has similarities to a music video. RK sits on his bed and sighs, looks out the window and sees a bunch of happy kids playing outside, then sits on the floor and looks up at the ceiling. He then sits at the bedroom door and begins rapping the hook to "Rock Bottom" as he looks up at the ceiling again. At that point, RK hears a loud knock at his door._

KG: RK, why do you always film your music videos when I'm here?

RK: YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS THE WHOLE TIME! I SENT YOU THE EMAIL!

 _Cut back to the present day._

RK: I'm making peanuts now. And not those really expensive honey roasted peanuts you get at the baseball games. No, I'm talking the old, dirty peanuts you find in your couch cushion, right next to some rusty-ass penny, and a copy of _People_ magazine from 2001.

WADE: I...don't know how to respond to that.

 _Applause can be heard on the TV as the scene cuts to the screen, where we see a middle-aged white man in a suit greet the audience of a game show._

PAUL: Hey, everybody, thanks for joining us today for this episode of _Let's Take a Whack at It._ I'm your host, Paul Wardenson, and today, we're going to be asking these two contestants a bunch of questions that test their trivia skills. Okay, here we go. Which successful female recording artist is known for their cosmetic company Fenty Beauty?

 _The following options pop up on the screen: A for Beyoncé, B for Shakira, C for Rihanna, and D for Fergie._

PAUL: You both have thirty seconds to ding the buzzer and give in your answer.

WADE: Rihanna.

BUSTER: Are you sure? It could be Fergie.

WADE: Who else has a company named after them?

BUSTER: Maybe Fergie named it that to mean something else?

 _Wade gives Buster a confused look._

BUSTER: I don't feel sorry for being who I am.

 _One of the contestants hits the red buzzer._

PAUL: Okay, Marsha, what's your answer?

MARSHA: Rihanna.

 _The sound of a winning slot machine going off is heard._

PAUL: That's it. Marsha is officially on the board with three points. Next question. In what year did the U.S. Postal Service issue its first stamp for sale?

 _The following options pop up on the screen: A for 1847, B for 1865, C for 1776, and D for 1902._

WADE: 1847, that's so easy.

 _Marsha's opponent hits the buzzer before she can._

PAUL: Okay, Larry, what's going on? You have the golden answer?

LARRY: Yes, is it...1847?

 _The slot machine sound is played again._

PAUL: Correct, my friend. Now this thing is tied.

SPARKY: Wade, I had no idea you were such an encyclopedia.

WADE: Really?

SPARKY: Well, maybe not no idea, but still, that was amazing.

BUSTER: Yeah, it's like you're psychic or something when it comes to the answers. You should go on that game show.

WADE: I don't know, guys. It was only two questions.

SPARKY: Two questions you weren't even anticipating and you still got them right. If you went on _Let's Take a Whack at It_ , you would kill the competition.

RK: Guys, game shows are something that we all left behind in 1995. If Wade doesn't want to play, he doesn't want to play.

WADE: Thank you.

SPARKY: You know, these game shows do offer some nice prizes.

RK: Prizes? As in...cash prizes?

BUSTER: Yeah, you can win anything on game shows. No joke, one guy won himself a free trip to Cincinnati.

RK: Cash prize, eh? Wade, you have to get on that show!

WADE: RK, I thought you said it was my choice if I wanted to go.

RK: Yeah, but think about it this way. If you win, you get the glory. Everybody will know the name "Wade Saltalamacchia." And I'll get the cash. Enough cash to keep me from being a bum.

WADE: You're already a bum for entertaining this idea. _Wade sighs._ You know what? If it's that important to you, I'll fill out a form to sign up for an episode.

RK: Awesome! Wade, you and I are going to make it to the big time. This is just the first in a long line of contests we're gonna win. Imagine all that money.

 _("Billionaire" by Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars plays in the background)_

 _Dissolve into a fantasy sequence where RK and Wade are sitting on thrones in RK's living room wearing all-white suits and white top hats while drinking smoothies. They toast to themselves and then walk the streets of Seattle with matching canes while snapping their fingers. They see a homeless man shaking a can around, tap him on his shoulder with their canes, and he magically becomes rich with the same outfit as RK and Wade. They start walking together and tapping people with their canes to make them rich. Cut to a scene where RK dives into a pool of dollars and starts laughing while playing with the money. Dissolve into the present day where RK is on the floor laughing and rolling around with his eyes closed, believing the fantasy to be real. The camera pulls back to reveal Sparky, Buster, and Wade with looks of boredom._

WADE: This is what it means, right? To be completely insane?

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Jaylynn are at their lockers talking to each other._

JAYLYNN: Wait, so you had a dream about an episode where Big Time Rush was performing at an AIDS benefit?

SPARKY: Yeah, and Minister Louis Farrakhan was hosting it. It was crazy.

 _Buster walks up to them._

BUSTER: Hey guys.

JAYLYNN: What's up?

SPARKY: So Buster, we're still on for tomorrow? McChicken Day, huh?

BUSTER: Actually, Sparky, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I won't be able to make it.

SPARKY: So no McChicken Day? That sucks.

JAYLYNN: What the hell is McChicken Day?

SPARKY: Every month, Buster and I spend one night eating nothing but McChicken sandwiches. It's a tradition.

BUSTER: Yeah, I'm sorry, man, but my parents are going to be in town tomorrow and I have to see them.

SPARKY: Oh, really? Well, I guess I can join you for that. It's not like your parents are strangers.

BUSTER: Actually, they only want to see me. Which is stupid because I told them, "How can I not invite my best friend?" And they were like, "Well, man, that's how it happens sometimes. Get over it."

JAYLYNN: I can't believe your parents would talk to you like that.

BUSTER: Yeah, well, you know. Bye.

 _Buster walks away from the guys and heads to class._

SPARKY: I really thought I knew Buster's parents better than that. I guess I don't.

JAYLYNN: You know he was lying, right?

SPARKY: What? No way. Buster would never lie to me.

JAYLYNN: You don't think it's weird that his parents are just magically showing up and he's the only person that can see them? I've never even talked to his parents!

SPARKY: Didn't you see them at Christmas?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it's not like we sat down and had coffee together.

SPARKY: Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. Buster has his business and I have mine.

JAYLYNN: If you say so. So how does that dream end?

SPARKY: Oh, they perform the theme song and break up again. Then everything bursts into flames.

JAYLYNN: Really?

SPARKY: Yeah, I think my dream just wanted to be funny.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that day, the guys are eating together._

RK: So guys, it's really happening. Wade was able to secure a spot on next week's episode of _Let's Take a Whack at It_!

 _Everyone starts cheering._

JAYLYNN: I still think it's kinda gross how you're exploiting your best friend for your own selfish needs.

RK: Are you just upset you didn't think of it first?

JAYLYNN: A little bit, yeah.

WADE: RK, are you sure this is going to work? I mean, I might end up going against someone smarter than me.

RK: Wade, in all my years, I've never met anyone smarter than you. I'll take off my clothes, put sand in my underwear, and call myself Betty Boop if that ever happens.

WADE: What?

SPARKY: Wade, we're all pulling for you to take home the gold.

BUSTER: Yeah, get some, Wade! If you don't win, we're kicking you out of the house and you'll have to sleep in the garage.

WADE: I don't live with you!

BUSTER: It's sports talk. It's supposed to get you hyped up before the big match.

JAYLYNN: Wade, since you're going to be on TV, would you mind...I don't know, shouting me out? And maybe Ashley and Halley and Anja and Gilcania?

WADE: Why would I shout you guys out on TV?

JAYLYNN: Free publicity.

WADE: What publicity? I'm saying the names of five random people on TV with no context.

JAYLYNN: I thought you were a smart guy. You can't figure out how to do it?

WADE: Anyway, thanks for the support, guys. I think I might be able to pull this off. It's just that with all the gifted people out there, I think...

 _RK begins rubbing Wade's shoulders._

WADE: Dude, what are you doing?

RK: Making sure you're relaxed. You carry a lot of your stress in your upper body, correct?

WADE: While that may be correct, I don't need you to be my personal masseuse.

RK: Wade, we're in this together. I got you here and I have to keep you at a hundred percent. Today, it's _Let's Take a Whack at It_. Tomorrow, _Jeopardy!_ And next week, if I could even imagine, _Trivial Pursuit_.

WADE: _Trivial Pursuit_ 's not even a game show.

RK: True, but there's no reason why you can't be a hustler at it.

SCENE 4

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Anja is doing her homework when Jaylynn walks in._

JAYLYNN: Yo.

ANJA: What's up, lady?

JAYLYNN: I wanted to know if you were free tomorrow night.

ANJA: Nah, I can't. I got plans.

JAYLYNN: You? You have plans?

ANJA: Oh, so now it's crazy that someone like me actually has something to do?

JAYLYNN: Ugh, you're so sensitive. I mean, I like that you are, but still. Relax. Anyway, what plans do you have?

ANJA: Um, you wanna know my exact plans?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Hence me asking you, "What plans do you have?"

ANJA: I don't think you wanna know.

JAYLYNN: Why? Are you part of some secret Muslim-only society that I can't know about or else you'll kill me?

ANJA: No. I don't really like what that implies, but no.

JAYLYNN: Do you have a new best friend and you don't want me to meet them?

ANJA: Nah, bro.

JAYLYNN: Then what is it?

ANJA: I'm hanging out with Lynne.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Wait, tomorrow night, you're hanging out with your sister? A member of your family?

ANJA: Why do you have to say it like that?

JAYLYNN: Because I don't give a shit. Lynne may be evil, but she's still your sister. Why should you feel bad about hanging out with her instead of me?

ANJA: Wow. You know something, Jaylynn? You are so right. You make all the sense in the world. I learn something new from you every day.

JAYLYNN: Really?

 _Jaylynn blushes at that point._

JAYLYNN: I mean, I never knew you saw me as such a smart girl, but, you know...

ANJA: Okay, that takes care of it. Bye.

 _Anja pushes Jaylynn out of the house and through the door._

JAYLYNN: Hey, wait a minute, I thought we...

ANJA: Oh, don't worry. I know you have your Jaylynn stuff and everything.

 _Anja immediately closes and locks the door._

JAYLYNN: At least she knows about Jaylynn stuff. But what was that about?

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky is watching TV when Jaylynn walks in._

JAYLYNN: Sparky, you and me need to talk to our friends, man. I don't know what's going on here, but we're being set up, man. There's some shit afoot, bro. Some shit afoot.

SPARKY: You sound like RK. Slow down and tell me what's going on here.

JAYLYNN: Well, I went to Anja's house and she told me she was hanging out with Lynne tomorrow. But the way she said it was so weird. I'm like, 90% sure she was lying to me.

SPARKY: What point would there be in Anja lying to you?

JAYLYNN: I don't know. The same point there would be in Buster lying to you?

SPARKY: So what you're saying is that Buster and Anja lied to us because they have some secret we're never supposed to find out?

JAYLYNN: Um...honestly, I was just going to say it was a coincidence, but yeah. Buster and Anja are working together. That's the only thing that makes sense.

SPARKY: Or maybe they're actually telling the truth?

JAYLYNN: Will you wake up and smell the damn coffee here? We're being played. Our own best friends are working us over because they don't want us to know something. Maybe they're dating. Wait, no. Ewwww, I can't even picture that. Can you?

SPARKY: I don't wanna picture that. Look, what do you think we should do?

JAYLYNN: Tomorrow, you and I are going to follow our best friends and track them down. And when we catch them, we're going to be like, "A-ha! Caught you!" Or some shit like that.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, I still think this is all a big misunderstanding, but fine. We'll follow them around and see what they're up to.

JAYLYNN: Great.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: Sparky, am I really starting to sound more like RK?

SPARKY: I didn't wanna say anything, but...

JAYLYNN: Oh my God. This day just keeps getting worse.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _That night, RK is walking around Wade while holding flashcards. Wade is sitting in a wooden chair._

WADE: RK, it's getting late. And we already missed supper, can't we end this?

RK: Supper? Dude, you better start saying dinner like a normal person. And we can't end this yet. I still have at least five more questions to ask you.

WADE: The game show's in more than a week. I don't have to study now.

RK: Yes, you do. This isn't just some final science test worth half your grade. This is the hottest game show in the city right now. This is huge.

WADE: You didn't even know about _Let's Take a Whack at It_ until yesterday.

RK: I looked it up. Ratings are pretty good. And they're putting those _Kings of Queens_ reruns to shame.

WADE: It's _King of Queens_ , not _Kings of Queens_.

RK: You see that? I wasn't even quizzing you and you still felt the need to correct me. That's the sign of a true competitor. Now let me get these questions out of the way. Pretend this is the lightning round, and your prize is a check for $500,000 and first-class plane tickets to anywhere in the world, provided by JetBlue.

WADE: I'm not nearly as imaginative as you, I don't see that working out.

RK: Okay, ready? Name the first five states that seceded from the Union.

WADE: Okay, uh, South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, and Georgia.

RK: Awesome. Who was the writer of _The Hunger Games_ books?

WADE: Suzanne Collins.

RK: Okay, three more questions to go. In what year did NBA introduce the 24-second shot clock?

WADE: 1954.

 _At that point, KG begins walking downstairs to see RK and Wade's studying._

RK: What are the only countries to not use the metric system?

WADE: The United States, Liberia, and Myanmar.

RK: Great. Now this one is for the win. The crowd is hushed. What was the year women were finally allowed to vote?

KG: 2091?

 _RK and Wade groan._

RK: KG, are you serious right now? We're trying to do some studying here.

KG: You're studying? Did Mrs. Tuxedo Pants die?

RK: No, that proposal is still on the table. Wade's going to be on _Let's Take a Whack at It_ next week and he's gotta bone up on his trivia.

KG: Really? Congrats, man. I remember the time Trevor tried to get on that show.

WADE: Your friend Trevor tried to get on a trivia show?

KG: Yeah, they burned his application the minute they saw it. And they also mailed him a note that said they see him more as the cashier at McDonald's.

RK: They weren't wrong.

KG: You know, Wade, I wanna see how you'll do. Is it okay if I invite some of my buds over and we can watch you compete?

WADE: Why not? It's not like I'm going to know everybody watching me anyway.

KG: Okay, cool. _KG sees the flashcards on the floor._ Hey, are these the questions you were asking him?

RK: Sure are.

 _KG takes a look at one of the flashcards._

KG: You seriously asked him what the slogan for Kit Kat is?

RK: That's a very important question. The Kit Kat bar is part of what America was built on.

WADE: You know, just as long as you don't forget the oppression, greed, and violence that played a role too.

RK: Well, after all that other stuff.

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The next night, Jaylynn is on the phone._

JAYLYNN: Well, this is it, Sparky. I'm about to drive to Anja's place and catch her slipping. You got Buster taken care of, right?

SPARKY: No, I'm actually relaxing at home because I don't care about my best friend's private business.

JAYLYNN: Could you stop being so trusting and start having some doubt?

SPARKY: Okay, fine. I'll start up the car for you, but honestly, I'm not going to find anything. And I don't think you are either.

JAYLYNN: We'll just have to wait and see.

 _Cut to Sparky getting off the phone and going to the coat rack._

SPARKY: Bitch Clock?

 _*from upstairs*_ BITCH CLOCK: Yeah?

SPARKY: I'm going to go spy on Buster, don't wait up for me.

BITCH CLOCK: Okay, are you wearing your coat?

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm wearing it.

BITCH CLOCK: Good, because you know how cold it gets this time of year.

SPARKY: Yeah, I get it! I'm wearing the coat, man!

BITCH CLOCK: Alright, man, do your thing.

SCENE 8

 _Sparky starts his car and begins driving it to Buster's condo. While on the way there, he sees Buster's car drive right past him._

SPARKY: Wait a minute. What the...

 _Sparky takes out his phone and starts making a call. Jaylynn picks up._

JAYLYNN: Yeah, what's going on?

SPARKY: I just saw Buster drive by. I thought he was meeting his parents, why would he be leaving his house?

JAYLYNN: I told you. I told you about Buster, man.

SPARKY: Oh, don't start acting like Buster's this big scary drug dealer and he's been hiding it from me the whole time.

JAYLYNN: Well, I tried seeing what I could find out about Anja and she hasn't left her house yet. Maybe she might be...wait. Wait a minute. Sparky? Sparky, you there?

SPARKY: I'm still here, Jaylynn. I'm not dead.

JAYLYNN: Well, would you look at that? Buster's car is here. He's meeting Anja! They're probably going to kiss!

SPARKY: Dude, they're not gonna kiss. But you have to be kidding me. I'm going over there.

JAYLYNN: Alright. I won't do anything until you get here.

 _Cut to Sparky arriving at Anja's house. Buster's car is already parked._

SPARKY: It's time to get to the bottom of this.

 _Sparky gets out of the car and walks to the front door. Jaylynn then walks up to him._

JAYLYNN: Why didn't you get me?

SPARKY: We never agreed on that. I thought you were looking out for me.

JAYLYNN: Why would I do that? You should have let me know you were here.

SPARKY: Well, I'm here now.

JAYLYNN: Then stay here!

 _Beat._

SPARKY: Why are we doing this? It's Buster and Anja who we should be mad at.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah. Sorry, I'm just really hurt right now.

 _Sparky opens the door and sees Anja helping Buster with his homework._

SPARKY: Oh, this is just ridiculous. Jaylynn, you see this? A study date.

JAYLYNN: I never thought it could happen.

ANJA: What are you guys talking about?

SPARKY: Oh, like you don't know.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, like you don't know. We know everything.

BUSTER: Oh, shit! They found out!

SPARKY: That's right. You think you could just treat your best friend like this while you're out doing God knows what?

ANJA: Sparky, I think you're a little confused.

JAYLYNN: He's confused? I think _you're_ confused. Anja, isn't this against your religion? Besides, what do you really know about Buster?

 _*laughs*_ ANJA: What?

SPARKY: They think it's a joke.

JAYLYNN: They really do think it's a joke. There ain't nothing jokey about this. How are you going to play us like this?

BUSTER: Look, if I knew you guys wanted to help me with my homework, I would've asked.

JAYLYNN: What now?

ANJA: Yeah, I'm helping Buster with his homework. You thought we were dating?

SPARKY: It was a possibility, yes.

ANJA: Well, that's completely wrong. Buster's been doing pretty bad in his classes and he asked me to help him get ahead.

BUSTER: Yeah, I don't want my career to end up being, "May I take your order, please?" I mean, it works for SpongeBob, but life just isn't like that above the sea.

SPARKY: Wow. I seriously could have been at home when all this was happening.

JAYLYNN: Hey, you didn't have to come.

SPARKY: Yeah, I did, Mrs. I Think These Two Are Sneaky and We Need to Catch Them.

JAYLYNN: Then that just makes you Mr. I Think These Two Are Sneaky and We Need to Catch Them.

BUSTER: What kind of nicknames are these?

SPARKY: The only thing I don't understand is why you guys went to all this trouble just to hide it.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, did you really think this was something we weren't supposed to know?

ANJA: It was his idea to lie about it.

BUSTER: Yeah. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but when it comes to school, I'm kinda slow.

JAYLYNN: I never knew.

SPARKY: Me either, this is shocking to me.

BUSTER: You don't have to pretend. I just didn't want you guys to think it was a big deal. But after tonight, I see that I'm not the best at coming up with plans either.

SPARKY: Hey Buster, if you want to get better in school, that's all cool with us.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and if Anja's really helping you, that's cool too.

BUSTER: Wow. Thanks, guys. I learned a really valuable lesson today.

ANJA: You did?

BUSTER: No, I just thought one of us was supposed to say that.

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _On the night of the game show, Wade is in his robe, coughing and wheezing. At that point, RK opens the front door._

RK: Alright, Wade, you...OH MY GOD!

WADE: Yup. I'm sick.

RK: I can see that, but how did this happen? When we talked yesterday, you were fine.

WADE: Well, my throat was getting drier before I knew it. Now, it feels like I can barely stand up.

RK: Oh, man. This is terrible. I pushed you too hard and your body couldn't take the pressure.

WADE: It's fine, man. I guess we're just going to have to forfeit.

RK: Wait. Maybe there's a way to fix you.

WADE: How?

RK: Come on, man, you have to have something in your basement. Like, maybe there's some miracle elixir that will get rid of your cold, or, there's a ship that you can shrink down to microscopic size, with me inside, and I'll take the cold out from within.

WADE: You really think I'm some mad cartoon scientist, don't you?

RK: Sometimes, yeah.

WADE: Look, I don't have any of that stuff. And even if I did, I wouldn't bother to check because right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to move around without hurting myself.

RK: Well, I guess that's it. That money's going to go to somebody else then.

 _RK sits down on the couch with sorrow._

WADE: Wait a minute. It's not over yet. You can take my place!

RK: What? Wade, I'm not as smart as you. How am I gonna answer all those questions?

WADE: I got an idea. It might be a little cliché, but I think it can work.

RK: You mean, a television cliché?

WADE: You could say that.

SCENE 10

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Basement

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade and RK walk to the table filled with his gadgets and formulas._

WADE: This is probably the simplest invention I've ever made. Actually, it was the first invention I've ever made.

 _Wade pulls a black sheet off a walkie-talkie and a tiny microphone._

RK: A walkie-talkie?

WADE: Yeah, I know I'm not the first to do it, but I was getting my feet wet at the time. Look, RK, I can give you all the answers you need through this walkie-talkie. All you need to do is turn your microphone on.

RK: Dude, that's cheating. I can't do that. Besides, I might get caught.

WADE: Look, RK, this was your idea. We're a team in this, and I don't want you to give up on getting your money because of a technicality. So what's it gonna be?

 _Beat._

RK: You're a real friend, Saltalamacchia. Okay, I'll do it. I'll be the cliché.

WADE: Great. You might wanna put that on now. But don't worry. It's so small, the naked eye won't even be able to see it half the time.

RK: This is amazing. Hey, could you pretend to be a character and I could pretend to be a character while we're using this?

WADE: Dude, don't f*** around here. This is serious work.

RK: Okay!

SCENE 11

Channel 9 Headquarters

Interior _Let's Take a Whack at It_ Studio

Seattle, Washington

 _RK walks into the studio with the microphone in his ear._

 _*through walkie-talkie*_ WADE: Are you in?

RK: Yeah, I'm in. I just have to find the producers of the show and let them know what's going down.

 _RK walks up to one of the show's producers._

RK: How are you doing, sir? My name's RK Jennings.

PRODUCER: Oh, okay. Do you know where Wade Saltalamacchia is? We need him in makeup.

RK: Yeah, it turns out that he's out with a cold, and he won't be able to make it. But I'm his best friend and I'm replacing him.

PRODUCER: We don't do replacements.

RK: Oh yeah, and then what happens? You get some everyday schmuck from the crowd? Oh, I know, you instead decide to have the other person forfeit? Then you have no episode. I'm the best you've got, so you better make it work.

PRODUCER: I like your attitude. You're in.

 _Cut to RK in the studio's dressing room. He is waiting on a chair when a noticeably older man walks up to him._

MAN: Hey, young blood, you want some coke?

RK: What? No!

MAN: Man, did you hear me? This isn't crack, this is cocaine. Pure cocaine, my friend.

RK: I'm ten years old, you idiot! Not some smelly-ass cokehead like you.

MAN: Alright, I'll offer you something else, kid. Just know my buddy Two Knives? He flips coke like Krabby Patties. No lie.

 _The man walks away from the makeup room._

RK: Why the hell do they let these people in?

SCENE 12

Channel 9 Headquarters

Interior _Let's Take a Whack at It_ Studio

Seattle, Washington

 _The crowd starts cheering as Paul comes in from backstage._

PAUL: Hey, hey, everybody! Welcome to another episode of _Let's Take a Whack at It_. I'm your host, Paul Wardenson. And now let's introduce our contestants. He's ten years old, his favorite food is pizza, and he was...once knocked out in the bathroom at Target? Here's Ryan Kennedy, or "RK," Jennings!

 _RK walks out to applause as he goes to his booth._

RK: The road to money starts now.

 _Cut to KG watching the show with Rodney, Trevor, and three of his other friends._

KG: Wait a minute. I thought Wade was going to be on the show. Why did RK take his place?

TREVOR: Maybe it's still Wade, but he's just in disguise.

 _Everyone turns to Trevor and throws popcorn at him. Cut back to the game show._

PAUL: Okay, guys, here's the first question. What was Tiger Woods' first major championship?

 _RK begins picking up transmission from the microphone._

WADE: The 1997 Masters.

 _RK hits the buzzer._

RK: I believe it was the Masters championship in 1997.

 _The slot machine sound is heard._

PAUL: That's correct! RK is on the board with three points!

RK: Crushed it.

PAUL: Okay, this next one is a poetry question. Who wrote the following? "Two roads diverged in a wood. And I-I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

WADE: Robert Frost!

 _RK hits the buzzer._

RK: Robert Frost?

 _*slot machine sound*_

PAUL: Alright, RK's taken the six-point lead!

 _Cut to the kids watching the show._

SPARKY: This is incredible. RK's already killing it.

BUSTER: He's only answered two questions.

SPARKY: I know, but I didn't think he knew this stuff. He probably learned a lot from Wade over the years.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. He probably did.

 _Jaylynn puts her index finger and her thumb on her chin._

 _("Now You're Mine" by Gang Starr plays in the background)_

 _A montage takes place as RK is heard answering multiple questions on various subjects, ranging from art to psychology to music to sports to history._

RK: George Washington. _*dissolve*_ 2007\. _*dissolve*_ That's a spicy meatball! _*dissolve*_ Rikers Island. _*dissolve*_ Alex Trebek. _*dissolve*_ What?! That's my answer, I'm not actually asking that.

SCENE 13

Channel 9 Headquarters

Interior _Let's Take a Whack at It_ Studio

Seattle, Washington

 _At this point, RK is leading 60-12._

PAUL: Alright, it's time for the lightning round. RK, you have to answer every question in succession in order to win the contest, and the grand prize of $10,000.

RK: Wow. Ten thousand smackeroons. I'm bringing the thunder here. _RK chuckles._ I just got that.

PAUL: Okay, RK, now will you please stand in the center here?

RK: Sure. _*whispers*_ Wade, this is it. You ready?

 _*heard through microphone*_ MAN: Yeah, I'll have two combo meals and a side order of chicken fingers.

RK: Wade, will you stop picking up radio interference and get serious here?!

 _RK walks to the center and sighs._

 _Cut to the MacDougal house._

JAYLYNN: Am I the only one who finds it weird how RK's won all these points, and he still has to do the lightning round?

BUSTER: It's probably a trick to keep people from winning.

 _Cut back to the game show._

PAUL: Alright, RK. Six questions for the win.

RK: Alright, let's do this.

PAUL: Okay, first question. What color does blue and yellow make?

RK: Are you kidding me? Green.

PAUL: Okay, correct. Now, the next question. In what year did Namibia gain its independence from South Africa?

 _Cut to a close-up of RK looking hopelessly confused. He then picks up transmission from the microphone again._

WADE: RK, I'm back. Dumbass Burger King. It's 1990.

RK: 1990, the same year _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ started airing!

PAUL: Well, kudos for the additional knowledge but only your first response was needed, and you got it! Okay, next question. What is the formula to turn Fahrenheit into Celsius?

RK: F minus 32 times five over mine.

PAUL: There you go. Who was the host of _Double Dare_?

RK: Marc Summers.

PAUL: Correct. What was the name of the tour Michael Jackson was slated to go on before his death in 2009?

RK: HA! _This is It_. Didn't even need Wade for that.

PAUL: And this is the last question, for the grand prize. Who wrote our national anthem?

RK: Francis Scott Key.

PAUL: And that's it! With a final score of 78 points to 12, Ryan Kennedy Jennings is our WINNER!

 _RK celebrates by dancing in the center until he is drenched in yellow paint and feathers from the ceiling. Everyone begins laughing at him as he looks enraged. Cut to the present day where it is revealed that he only imagined it._

RK: Oh, thank God that wasn't real.

PAUL: And RK, here's your check for ten thousand dollars!

RK: SCORE!

 _RK takes the check and starts jumping up and down as confetti and balloons rain down on the stage, and Queen's "We Are the Champions" plays in the background._

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

 _Principal MacGregor is on the phone with someone._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Are you kidding me? Buddy, last summer, after the Mayweather fight, people were telling me to go back to Ireland. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, my mom's Jewish, how does that even...

 _At that point, RK walks in._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Oh, sorry, I have to go. The man of the hour has arrived. YEAH, IN YOUR F***ING FACE, ZUCKERMAN!

 _Principal MacGregor hangs up the phone._

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Sorry you had to hear that unfiltered statement, RK.

RK: Eh, I watch Adult Swim every weekend. That's nothing.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Okay, well, I have to tell you how proud I am of you for representing our school on _Let's Take a Whack at It_ this weekend.

RK: Oh, that wasn't my intention. At all.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Doesn't even matter. The principal at David Zuckerman is stewing in his own juices right now. And I can't get enough of it. It feels good that you finally amounted to something.

RK: You never thought I would amount to anything?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I never said that out loud...well, to you, anyway.

RK: Sir, am I here so you can insult me?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: No, I just wanted to congratulate you. You showed that you have all the tools needed to become a quality student. You just have to apply them.

RK: I mean, it was just a trivia show. Who really watches those things anyway?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Those shows require a tremendous amount of knowledge. Knowledge that I'm proud you possess. RK, thank you for stepping outside your comfort zone, taking a shot at something meaningful. You did your school proud on Friday.

 _Beat._

RK: Could I have all this in writing?

SCENE 15

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _KG is watching TV when RK walks in and sees a whole bunch of letters on the floor._

RK: What the hell is this?

KG: You're famous now, that's what this is. Check it out.

RK: Let me be the judge of that. _*RK opens up one of the letters*_ "Dear RK, my name is Katrina Douglas. My daughter is also ten years old, and she would love nothing more than to go out with you, the smartest kid in Seattle?"

KG: Wow, she really put it all on the line.

RK: Wait a minute. Are these all from girls that want to meet me?

KG: Most of them are. I never bothered to check the ones that don't have little hearts on them.

RK: Ugh, what has our society come to? A man can figure out the meaning of life or how to talk to animals and he doesn't get any credit, but I do well on a quiz show and that makes me Einstein?

KG: I thought you would be proud of yourself. You did great on Friday.

RK: Yeah, I guess. I'm going to go upstairs and respond to some of these letters. Pretty soon, they'll be calling me the coldest heartbreaker in Seattle.

 _RK walks upstairs with some of the letters and goes to his room. He drops them all on the floor, sighs, and then starts making a call._

WADE: Hey RK, what's up? How's the money?

RK: Oh, right, the reason I did this. Look, Wade, I don't know if I feel comfortable with all this attention. I mean, Principal MacGregor's proud of me, I have random girls wanting a chance to sniff me. It's crazy. They should be all over you, not me.

WADE: Ah, it's not a big deal, man. We're a team. Besides, you gave me half the winnings.

RK: I don't know, man. I think we should just come clean. It feels wrong.

 _Wade starts laughing for a while, and then stops._

WADE: Oh, you're being serious?

RK: Yeah. We need to tell everyone the truth. I just did this for the money, I don't need people thinking I'm some kind of brainiac.

WADE: Dude, it's too late now. You're letting your conscience get the better of you. Just calm down and keep things in perspective.

 _RK sighs._

RK: Alright, Wade. I mean, how much worse could it get?

KG: OH MY GOD! RK, COME DOWN HERE!

RK: I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT, MAN! Wait, what? I'll call you back.

 _RK hangs up and leaves the room. He runs downstairs._

RK: Bro, what happened?

KG: Yeah, he would love to do it. Okay, I'll let him know to call you. Thank you.

 _KG puts down the telephone._

KG: Dude, those were the guys from _Verge_ magazine.

RK: _Verge_ magazine?

KG: Yeah. You've never heard of _The Verge_? They tackle young, interesting people in the city, and after you won the game show, they want to do a story about you.

RK: A story about me? Nah, there's been plenty of stories about me. I think the world's pretty sick of them.

KG: Man, you don't have to be humble. This is your moment. You should call them and arrange something. I'll text you the number.

RK: Sure. This is going to be a great interview. _R_ _K begins walking upstairs. *under his breath*_ In some imaginary world where I don't exist.

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

 _The next day, the kids are eating lunch. RK looks visibly depressed._

SPARKY: So RK, I hear you're going to be on the next cover of _Verge_ magazine. That's pretty cool.

RK: Yeah, you know, I guess.

BUSTER: Do you know what you're going to say to the interview person?

RK: Eh, nothing special. I mean, it's just an interview. What can you really say that a million other people haven't already said?

BUSTER: That's so profound. You should use that in the interview.

RK: You know what? I'm not really hungry. I'm going to go, um...practice my bagpipes.

 _RK excuses himself from the table and walks out of the lunchroom._

JAYLYNN: What's wrong with RK? He's been acting weird ever since he won the game show.

WADE: Eh, it's probably just hormones or something. I'll go check on him.

 _Wade runs out of the lunchroom._

BUSTER: I thought hormones was when girls grew boobs.

 _Cut to RK walking towards the bathroom and Wade following him._

WADE: RK? RK?

RK: Wade, I don't wanna talk about this.

WADE: Oh, we're going to talk about it. We're going to have a whole roundtable discussion about this, man. Don't close the door on me when I'm talking to you!

 _Wade opens the bathroom door before RK can get to the urinal._

RK: Hey, this is my private bathroom time. If someone just saw what happened, they'll think we went in together and that will lead to rumors I don't have time for.

WADE: Dude, what's your problem? You're moping around like you didn't just win a whole bunch of money on a game show.

RK: Because I didn't win, you did. I didn't have a problem when it was for the money, but now people are treating me like something I'm not. I'm a bigger joke than Lance Armstrong.

WADE: Don't you think you're exaggerating a little?

RK: You know what, I am. Lance will never come back from that. But still, this whole thing is ridiculous. You put in the work. You should be getting all the attention.

WADE: Yeah, but I wasn't there. Look, RK, we made this plan together. And we're going down together. I chose to help you out because you're my best friend. If I don't have a problem with this, why do you?

RK: Because the whole thing's a dirty lie. I need to get out of this interview. Maybe I should make a video that exposes how racist and sexist I am.

WADE: That's a horrible idea.

RK: Hey, everyone goes on social media and says disgusting shit these days. It's like a cheat code for ruining your life.

WADE: There are better ways to handle this, man. What if I was with you during the interview? Would that make you feel less guilty?

RK: Well, I guess that would work. I mean, in some way, it's like you're still getting the props.

WADE: Great. We'll get through this, RK. Just calm down.

 _At that point, Manny opens the door and sees RK and Wade smiling at each other._

MANNY: You weirdos going to kiss or what?

SCENE 17

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _On the day of the interview, RK, Wade, and KG are all dressed in suits waiting for the interviewer._

KG: I still can't believe this is happening. This is going to be what puts the Jennings name on the map.

RK: What if this completely blows up in my face and your comedy takes off instead?

KG: Eh, I wish. But you can't build your legacy on something without results.

WADE: RK, you look pretty nervous. Just get through this interview, and a month from now, everyone will have already moved on.

RK: I don't know, man. I still feel pretty guilty. I just have the feeling something else is going to happen that makes things worse.

 _The doorbell rings and RK goes to answer it. He sees Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn in front of him._

RK: What is all this?

SPARKY: We just wanted to see your interview in action.

BUSTER: Plus, Ike's is closed because of a gas leak so we don't have anywhere else to go.

 _Sparky and Jaylynn give Buster disapproving looks._

BUSTER: What? I said we could all hang out at my condo, but you guys said no.

RK: Yeah, come on in. Take a seat. Just fade into the background. I don't want the interviewer to think I have some dangerous posse with me.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, we should really make sure we don't pull out our switchblades or barbed wire.

 _The kids walk in and find someplace to sit while RK sighs._

RK: I'm gonna die today.

SCENE 18

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _The interview is now taking place._

INTERVIEWER: So RK, what was your early childhood like?

RK: Well, I watched a lot of Nick Jr. and Playhouse Disney when I was younger. I was a big fan of _Blue's Clues_. You know, until they got rid of Steve and gave Blue her own cartoon. I feel like they were really jumping the shark there.

INTERVIEWER: Well, I meant in terms of education. What was school like for you?

RK: I liked kindergarten. Then first grade came and I started wishing I was back home telling Dora that what she's looking for is literally right behind her.

WADE: What RK means is he started to get bored with school around the first grade. He peaked early so he never really felt the need for formal education.

INTERVIEWER: So you were never a quality student?

RK: Nope. I have so many bad grades, kids started calling me the Cleveland Browns. You know, because I sucked so much.

WADE: No. No kids ever called him that.

RK: At least one kid did and I started running with that.

INTERVIEWER: So how were you able to pull off your performance on _Let's Take a Whack at It_ last week?

RK: Well, through reading and watching TV. I love those things. I started absorbing everything I watched or read and kept a log in my head. To this day, I can still tell you what season a _Full House_ episode is in based on the guys' haircuts.

WADE: Yeah, RK is like a sponge. He sees something in a book or on TV and it never leaves his brain.

INTERVIEWER: Fascinating. You know, most people who win these contests are usually so cut and dry. You know, honor roll students, degrees, that kind of thing.

 _Wade looks offended at the interviewer's statement._

INTERVIEWER: But you're different, RK. You seem very grounded, very relatable. I think my readers will love to know more about you.

 _RK and Wade smile at each other._

RK: Well, thank you, sir. Would you like to know about my special sandwich that never took off?

WADE: No, he wouldn't.

RK: My best friend has just informed me that the sandwich topic is off-limits.

SCENE 19

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is sitting at the table with a glass of lemonade while Wade pours himself one._

RK: You know, I didn't think I was going to get out of this but somehow, I did.

WADE: Yeah, man, you did great. It felt like you really did win that game show.

RK: I guess you're right. A month from now, nobody's going to even care about this.

WADE: That's what I'm saying. People's attention spans don't even exist these days. That's why it was easy for us to fool everybody.

RK: Yeah. I mean, we took advantage of an easy situation. Doesn't make us bad people.

WADE: Of course not. We're just two friends looking out for each other.

RK: I agree. But you know what we should do?

WADE: What?

RK: Keep it to ourselves. Like, never tell anybody for as long as we live.

WADE: Of course. I'm not letting anyone know about this... _*Wade looks towards the side and his eyes widen*_...except Jaylynn.

RK: You told Jaylynn?!

WADE: No, not exactly.

RK: She's standing by the doorway looking at us right now, isn't she?

WADE: Yup.

 _RK notices Jaylynn with her arms folded._

RK: So how much did you hear?

JAYLYNN: Pretty much everything.

 _Beat._

RK: Look, maybe this is just our minds playing tricks on us. Maybe Jaylynn's not actually there.

JAYLYNN: I _am_ actually here.

 _Beat._

RK: What, Buster?

WADE: Dude...

RK: I don't know, man.

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _A few days later, the kids are on the couch together._

RK: So, thanks to Jaylynn, we had to return the money I won, the interview was never printed, and KG believes I'm a disgrace to the Jennings name.

JAYLYNN: Thanks to me? I'm not the one who tried to make people think I'm a genius.

RK: IT WAS FOR THE MONEY! Wade, I'm sorry you got screwed over in the end. I knew it was going to blow up in my face.

WADE: Hey, I'm not upset. I made the choice I made because I wanted to help you out. We got in together, we went down together.

RK: And that's why you're my best friend.

SPARKY: So, RK, did you learn anything from all this?

RK: Yeah. When trying to make money, make sure Jaylynn's not around.

 _Beat._

BUSTER: I like it.

 _Cut to black._

 _("Patiently Waiting" by 50 Cent featuring Eminem plays over the end credits)_

©2017/2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. The RK Quiz Show Fiasco Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 1/14/18-1/15/18; 1/19/18)_

-This episode was originally meant for December 3, but I had to go in for surgery that weekend and I wasn't well enough to finish the episode when I got out. I had written most of the episode in one day, actually. I planned to release it the week after, but with the holiday episodes coming up, I decided to just move it to 2018. If I had another chance, considering what happened to the New Year's episode, this one would have been released on December 10 and "Another Thank You, Heavenly Christmas" would have been released the week after.

-I came up with the idea for this episode literally a year ago, when I was in class watching a video about a quiz show scandal in 1956 when a man named Herb Stempel was instructed by the producers of the quiz show _Twenty One_ to lose on purpose to his opponent Charles Van Doren. Apparently, quiz show scandals were very frequent at the time. I had the title in my head and I thought it would be an interesting episode, but I had no plans to make it a season five episode. When it was time to plan out the first half of season six, this was one of the original ideas lined up.

-This is an interesting episode to me because of the fact that RK becomes uncomfortable with his own scheme. He only did this for the money, which he made no attempt to hide, but his status as an intellect bothered him because he knew the praise should be going to Wade. I feel like episodes like these are what keep RK from being a completely unlikable character. He never does things in an attempt to hurt other people or cause trouble. He just tries to take advantage of any situation that he feels can benefit him.

-The subplot was actually supposed to be longer, with Sparky and Jaylynn feeling neglected by Buster and Anja's constant studying and eventual friendship. However, the RK/Wade plot ended up being longer than I thought it would be so the subplot didn't go past a few scenes. I don't want to make a habit of writing short, underdeveloped subplots but it gets harder to stick to just one story so I'll have to work on that in future episodes.

-The episode title is a reference to the title of the very first episode of the series, "The RK Feline Fiasco."

-Originally, I had plans to connect this episode with the New Year's one, where RK would start a bed and breakfast to make money and then lose it all at the end of the episode. However, things didn't work out and I decided to drop that angle.

-RK diving into the pool of dollars is a reference to _DuckTales_ where Scrooge McDuck dove into the pool of gold coins.

-I actually had a dream about Big Time Rush performing at an AIDS benefit so I put it in the episode.

-Originally, there was a line about Jaylynn believing that Buster was adopted and her not knowing that he had parents. I changed it to her never having the opportunity to talk to Buster's parents.

-The original song playing during RK's quiz show montage was "Old Time's Sake" by Eminem featuring Dr. Dre. I was considering changing it to either "Step in the Arena" or "Check the Technique" by Gang Starr until I went with a third Gang Starr song, "Now You're Mine."

-In a lot of television shows, when characters use wireless microphones to get answers, there's always some radio interference from a burger place, and the character always repeats everything they hear verbatim. It's stupid, so I decided to subvert it by having RK directly tell Wade to stop it.

-RK's fantasy of being drenched in yellow paint and feathers is a reference to part one of the _Degrassi_ episode "Time Stands Still," where the character Rick wins a game show for Degrassi and ends up being humiliated in front of the school when he is covered with paint and feathers as a prank.


End file.
